Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
