So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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