I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
