Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
