Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
