apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
