did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
