i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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