I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
