Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
