I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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