he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
