it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was born a porn star she said
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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