I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
