I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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