there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
