I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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