Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
