I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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