A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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