i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
