My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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