I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
