she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There r osticjed everywhere
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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