I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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