You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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