We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
