So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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