Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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