I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
