My sheets look like a crime scene.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
