Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I would fuck him just for his dog
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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