dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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