The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
