So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
