I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
