the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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