The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
