There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
