it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
