Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
