Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
