My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
