I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
