My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
...so i touched it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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