Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
