im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
