Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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