He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
