So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
