I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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