i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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