The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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