Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
