Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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