I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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