my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
