Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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