If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize